Number 19: “Toy Story 3”

Why “Toy Story 3”? Why not just Toy Story?”  You may ask. These are very legitimate questions and my only answer is “HOLY SHIT TOY STORY 3 IS AMAZING!”

Now I’ve heard of sequels being better than originals (Terminator 2, Aliens) but the third?  NEVER!  Not Star Wars, Dark Knight, well maybe Lord of The Rings (but fuck those movies bore me), not nothing.

Just “Toy Story 3”.  It seemingly stands alone atop that glorious mountain.

Sometimes I don’t truly understand how much I love something until someone tells me how much they love it.  Bo Burnham, one of my favorite stand up comedians/performers had a throw away line where he said “I cried for like 3 hours after Toy Story 3.”   He didn’t cry for three hours after TS1 or TS2.  He cried for three hours after “Toy Story 3”.  And do you know why he cried for three hours?

Because this movie connects us with the most powerful, painful, deep seated pain of our fucking lives…  Moving away from our parents and siblings.  Is there anything more painful or sad than doing that? NO, there fucking isn’t!

And it dwells on this subject for like the last fifteen minutes of the movie.  If you possess even a semblance of a soul, buckets of tears explode out of you.  To call it an ugly cry would be the understatement of the century.  I can’t even think about it much less watch it.

Makes me think of being a little kid and thinking how i’d always be this age, my parents would always be on the other side of the house, my little brother would always be little and things would stay relatively the same/awesome forever.  But they don’t. They change fast as fuck and the speed with which the change changes goes fast as fuck.

To be confronted with no protective distracting walls, just full frontal “hey this is how you truly feel and you can never be a kid and your parents can never be young parents again” is one of the hardest things to swallow in life.

And gosh dang “Toy Story 3” nails that point home like only the top echelon of Pixar movies can.  It’s so good!

And I can’t end a TS3 review without mentioning the fact that right before this “ugly cry” scene they have all of the characters on a conveyor belt about to be dropped into an incinerator.  The characters look each other deep in the eye to say how much they meant to each other and then say goodbye.  WHAT? Before our very eyes you are going to KILL our favorite characters of all time! And not just kill but horribly burn and scold to death?! Are you mad sir?!

I legitimately thought they we’re going to kill them all.  But fortunately the Deus Ex Machina swung in and saved the day.

If you love thinking about times gone by that you can never have back and slowly become more depressed and sad until you can barely move then come on down to the staged reading of my screenplay “Mum Knows Best” at The Annoyance Theater 851 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL on Sunday Aug 9, 2015 from 5:30 PM to 7 PM because we’ll definitely cheer you up!

Number 20: “D2: The Mighty Ducks”

Ok first of all this movie fucking rules!  Can’t tell you how many times Mike Perenich, age ten to twenty four, whilst sleeping over, would pop this vhs into the VCR and we’d watch it AGAIN!  Oh my god it was awesome!

When I was in fourth grade, after seeing this film, I decided I would play hockey.  Living in Florida this was a bigger challenge than anticipated.  Luckily Hooters of all places was having a hockey expo complete with all the gear you’d ever need and could try out for FREE!  And chicken wings.

Thanks to my dad’s forced (though super fun) endless roller blading trips I was quite damn good at Roller Blading.  Or blading as the cool kids called it.

I show up and there’s a bunch of equipment so I start messing around shooting and playing some other kids who are way freaking better than me.  But I don’t get discouraged.  I keep messing around with different stick combinations until I find this one stick that is like the mackdaddy of sticks.  I mean I am as fast as that spanish kid, can maneuver it like the transfer kid from Team Iceland, and can shoot a knuckle puck like Kenan Thompson.  I am in love with the stick, this sport, and chicken wings.

I play until I can’t roller blade anymore.  And then as I’m going to ask the strange man putting on the expo if I can purchase this stick for any amount of money an older kid comes up, grabs me and says “oh that’s where my stick went!”.  And then he grabs my beloved stick out of my puny fourth grade hands and walks off with it.

I’m speechless and heavily distraught.  But I vow to find a similar stick and play until I am the best to have ever played.

I started playing in a league at the Astro Skate roller rink.  They actually had pretty serious teams.  I was absolutely positively terrible… At first.  And then I kinda started to get the freaking hang of it.  I went from the dude who couldn’t hold onto the ball (roller hockey 😉 to one of the bash brothers in about a season.

I was probably four foot something and had played more video games than a village of asian kids so I was coordinated as fuck. After a few months of playing I was the best on my team.  After six months of playing I was the best in the league.  And in fifth grade I won MVP of the league with, count em, thirty one goals in a single ten game season.  That’s over 3.1 goals per game there cap-ee-tan.  Not too shabby for a fifth grader.

Side story: We used to play in the neighborhood.  It started as like 5-10 kids playing and then once we realized who could play and who couldn’t it became me versus 9 kids.  We would play all day and all night.  And if memory serves I never lost a game.  Take that Jon, Jamie, and all those other kids whose names I’ll never remember!

With these remarkable skills in hand I had amazing plans to play through middle school, high school, college, the pros, and then sit in a hot tub with my soul mate.  BUT unfortunately I had a massively awkward growth spurt both physically and mentally to the point where I was no longer coordinated what so ever.   I knew where I wanted my arms and legs to go but they just wouldn’t.  Top this off with an insanely increasing interest in girls and equally large increase in anxiety and my dreams of hockey glory had all but come to an end.

I enjoyed my days playing hockey immensely and still love the fuck out of this movie.

If you start every team chant with a slowly rising “Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack!” than come on down to the staged reading of my screenplay “Mum Knows Best” at The Annoyance Theater 851 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL on Sunday Aug 9, 2015 from 5:30 PM to 7 PM.