Number 20: “D2: The Mighty Ducks”

Ok first of all this movie fucking rules!  Can’t tell you how many times Mike Perenich, age ten to twenty four, whilst sleeping over, would pop this vhs into the VCR and we’d watch it AGAIN!  Oh my god it was awesome!

When I was in fourth grade, after seeing this film, I decided I would play hockey.  Living in Florida this was a bigger challenge than anticipated.  Luckily Hooters of all places was having a hockey expo complete with all the gear you’d ever need and could try out for FREE!  And chicken wings.

Thanks to my dad’s forced (though super fun) endless roller blading trips I was quite damn good at Roller Blading.  Or blading as the cool kids called it.

I show up and there’s a bunch of equipment so I start messing around shooting and playing some other kids who are way freaking better than me.  But I don’t get discouraged.  I keep messing around with different stick combinations until I find this one stick that is like the mackdaddy of sticks.  I mean I am as fast as that spanish kid, can maneuver it like the transfer kid from Team Iceland, and can shoot a knuckle puck like Kenan Thompson.  I am in love with the stick, this sport, and chicken wings.

I play until I can’t roller blade anymore.  And then as I’m going to ask the strange man putting on the expo if I can purchase this stick for any amount of money an older kid comes up, grabs me and says “oh that’s where my stick went!”.  And then he grabs my beloved stick out of my puny fourth grade hands and walks off with it.

I’m speechless and heavily distraught.  But I vow to find a similar stick and play until I am the best to have ever played.

I started playing in a league at the Astro Skate roller rink.  They actually had pretty serious teams.  I was absolutely positively terrible… At first.  And then I kinda started to get the freaking hang of it.  I went from the dude who couldn’t hold onto the ball (roller hockey 😉 to one of the bash brothers in about a season.

I was probably four foot something and had played more video games than a village of asian kids so I was coordinated as fuck. After a few months of playing I was the best on my team.  After six months of playing I was the best in the league.  And in fifth grade I won MVP of the league with, count em, thirty one goals in a single ten game season.  That’s over 3.1 goals per game there cap-ee-tan.  Not too shabby for a fifth grader.

Side story: We used to play in the neighborhood.  It started as like 5-10 kids playing and then once we realized who could play and who couldn’t it became me versus 9 kids.  We would play all day and all night.  And if memory serves I never lost a game.  Take that Jon, Jamie, and all those other kids whose names I’ll never remember!

With these remarkable skills in hand I had amazing plans to play through middle school, high school, college, the pros, and then sit in a hot tub with my soul mate.  BUT unfortunately I had a massively awkward growth spurt both physically and mentally to the point where I was no longer coordinated what so ever.   I knew where I wanted my arms and legs to go but they just wouldn’t.  Top this off with an insanely increasing interest in girls and equally large increase in anxiety and my dreams of hockey glory had all but come to an end.

I enjoyed my days playing hockey immensely and still love the fuck out of this movie.

If you start every team chant with a slowly rising “Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack!” than come on down to the staged reading of my screenplay “Mum Knows Best” at The Annoyance Theater 851 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL on Sunday Aug 9, 2015 from 5:30 PM to 7 PM.

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