Number 17: “Jurassic Park”

Oh man what a flick! I honestly can’t tell you a movie I was ever more excited to see than Jurassic Park. HOLE EEEE SHIT! I was excited to see this film.  I was what eight years old when it came out?

Steven Spielberg said he wouldn’t let his kids see this film.  That made my ultra violence loving behind want to see it even more.  It confirmed my suspicions that dudes got straight up eaten in this movie. OMG was I excited.

Then I heard they were going to have a midnight showing on the Thursday before it opened.  I begged and pleaded for my Mom to take me.  I must have offered my very soul to her and she amazingly, and possibly for the first time in my life, said “no.”  I was stunned.  I was always able to “negotiate” for that extra toy or video game or even to stay home from school but now this relatively simple request of taking an eight year old to see an ultra violent PG-13 dinosaur movie at midnight on a school night was denied.  I was livid and would see to it that I was the one who got what was rightfully mine!

After exhausting my eight year old brain I came up with nothing.  My dad DEFINITELY wasn’t going to take me and my brother was 5 and an idiot.  So I asked my Mom what she recommended.  “Well you could call and ask your friends and family.”  EUREKA!

So that’s what I did.  I called every person whose number we had and asked if they would like to accompany me to the world premiere of Jurassic Park.  Now I thought my enthusiasm for this great film would carry me through and well past the finish line.  But would you believe it?  Not one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, teachers, friends, mailmen, milkmen, grandparents, strangers, creepers with white vans, not one would agree to take an underage kid to see an ultra violent dinosaur movie at midnight on a school night. The NERVE!

So I did what any overprivileged young chap would do.  I sulked and bitched and wined and moaned until I eventually fell asleep.  I of course still had to go to school the next day and suffer while so many lucky fools we’re watching this amazing film.  It felt like the night before Christmas times the day before summer starts.

But after six miserably long hours that final school bell rang and I was off to the races.  My mom picked me up from school and we went right to the theater and saw the HELL out of that movie.

It was amazing!  Now normally as an eight year old, you see an ad for a toy, video game, movie, whatever and it looks AMAZING!  And then you get it, open the box and it’s just a fucking toy.  But this movie BO MY GOD!  It was better than my wildest eight year old fever dreams could have ever imagined.   It had the T-rex in full nineties CG end of the world screaming glory.  The wicked smart velociraptors (which if I may say is the COOLEST NAME FOR A SOULLESS KILLING MACHINE OF ALL TIME!).  And this crazy island filled with other dinosaurs and unsuspecting visitors.  IT WAS AMAZING!!

And as we we’re walking out we ran into my cousin Timmy (the only person I could not get a hold of in my desperate attempt to hitch a ride to the midnight show).  He was also walking out of the theatre.  My Mom said “Yo Tim! Wha’d ya think of the movie?”  To which he replied “Oh man it was even better the second time!” Oh so he must have seen an earlier show that day or something I thought.  “Oh yeah I saw the midnight showing last night.  Craziest movie of my life! I’ll never have an experience like that again!”

My blood began to boil and I imagined savaging him like my spirit animal the velociraptor.  But alas I calmed myself as my Mom informed him of my desperate search for a ride.  He laughed and said “oh sorry little buddy but I didn’t check my messages before we went.”

Just breath I thought.  Someday you’ll own a flock of Velociraptors and you can enact terrible vengeance (Just like in Jurassic World!). As we parted ways I made peace with the fact that I had just witnessed the greatest cinematic event of my eight years and likely the rest of my days.  I then proceeded to see the movie nine more times in theaters and countless times on vhs.  It was truly an amazing film.

And if you love dinosaurs so much you’d sit through a staged screenplay reading come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar ‪#‎Chicago‬ because we’ll have a live dinosaur in the studio audience! (We will not have any dinosaurs in the studio audience).

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