Number 16: “X-Men”

Having grown up a massively massive comic book fan I was overwhelmingly overwhelmed to find out they were launching a live action, super legit version of The X-men.  Who were basically my favorite group of super heroes of all time.

From the time I was about six to oh around fourteen I legitimately thought, and hoped, that I would get special mutant powers.  From watching the shows and reading* the comics I learned that once you hit puberty that’s when your special powers began to show.  I was super stoked and would always dream what my powers would be.  Would I have claws and super healing power like Wolverine or shoot webs like Spiderman or just have wicked sweet and wise mind powers like Professor X.  In any case I knew my super angst filled life would be worth it as long as I got those sweet sweet powers.

Well I waited and waited and waited and waited and nothing ever came.  Though I did get some pretty sweet acne and an intense desire for members of the opposite sex so strongly that I couldn’t relax if there was one in the tri-state area.  So that’s kind of a special power.  Though not nearly the one I was hoping for.

So I didn’t get powers at fourteen but I did get the coolest, most legitimate, entertaining and accurate comic book movie I had ever seen in my long fourteen years. HOLY SHAT! I was excited.  Wolverine was literally Wolverine.  They built a comic book machine, went inside and kidnapped Wolverine to star in this movie.  Dude is legit! And carved out of ‘pissed off’ granite.

And the universe they were in was super legit, dark, and straight up real!  Mystique, who I’d never been a huge fan of, was the hottest woman on earth, Rebecca Romijn, wearing nothing but a thick smattering of blue paint.  And the film had wicked relevant social commentary about the race and sex issues in America.

The opening shot with a young Magneto being separated from his family to be forced into a Nazi concentration camp was so real and powerful it moved me to tears.  Which was difficult because I was a hard fourteen year old for sure.  I hardly let my Mom cut my meat anymore thank you.

The only issue I had with this film was Rogue, who was my goddess above all goddesses, with her perfectly proportioned impossible body, was played by this young, kind of regular looking girl.  WTF are you doing? Rogue is the hottest woman on the planet and she talks with a wicked sexy southern drawl.  She’s the ultimate beauty with a heart of gold and fists of depleted uranium.  She can simultaneously steal your heart and your life force with a single touch.  The ultimate off limits beauty; not because her dad or husband will get you but because her power will pull it from you until you die.  And she’s played by this young moody and normal looking chick.  Could not dig that unfortunately.

But they made it work.  And the combination of all my other favorite characters like Cyclops, Storm, Magneto, Sabretooth, and such, the film was so high in my ‘book of awesome’ that not even a frumpy Rogue could bring it down.

And if YOU get mad when your fantasy of all fantasies are played by normal looking ladies (or Men!) than come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar ‪#‎Chicago‬ because the real and super hot version of Rogue will be there (she won’t be there).

*The reason I say “Reading” is as a boy I never had the attention span to really read many comic books.  I don’t know if it was ADD or anxiety but they were way more fun for me to collect and store away.  So when I say “Read” I really mean look at the perty pictures and read a few of the words.  It wouldn’t be until years later that I finally discovered the amazing and complex stories, character developments, and wondrous nature of these fine stories.

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