Number 10: “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”

If you’re wondering, yes I did just start humming the theme song to this unbelievably well done and insanely entertaining epic film.

I can’t think of a single movie that I watched while growing up that has influenced me more than this movie.  It had Arnold jacked and bad ass as ever in a super cool and interesting alternate reality where artificial intelligence blows up the world with nukes.  Nowadays that actually sounds pretty standard and normal but this movie is anything but!

James Cameron is simply a master at creating incredibly engrossing hard boiled worlds where the action is simply the best you’ve ever seen.

This dude straight up will wait decades until the technology catches up to his ambition. Like what he did with “Avatar”.  He knew he wanted to create his “Star Wars” with the next round of game changing technology in the late nineties.  But the technology simply wasn’t there so he just waited!  He had already made the highest grossing most successful and every eleven year old girls’ favorite movie in “Titanic” and could have made anything with anyone at anytime he wanted.  But he just waited… twelve years until the technology caught up with his imagination.

Now that takes balls!  The same balls it took to create a movie so good it has spawned three awful sequels, a television show, and plenty more in the works.

Quick Aside: That’s a theme I keep running into.  These great masterworks are amazing and life changing but they leave a wake of crap. “The Simpsons”, “Billy Madison”, “Terminator 2”.  These are my favorite tv shows and movies that I would not be the same person without and yet they are still making “Simpsons” episodes which are unwatchable.  Adam Sandler is still making films which are below unwatchable.  And “Terminator” is still pumping out awfully unwatchable films.

But anyway back to the awesomeness at hand.  I F-ing love this movie.  I love the ideas in this film.  The time travel, artificial intelligence that wants to wipe us out so bad, and the humans who continue to fight the good fight and even have a chance to win is so freaking cool I could shriek.  And then all of these amazing ideas are wrapped up into an astounding film that NO ONE ELSE could make but James Cameron.  Really what a triumph.

I hear he’s a major asshole as well.  Unbearable even.  But for art of this caliber is that really so high a cost to endure.  I am not recommending that or even intimating I might take try out that strategy myself but it does seem to work #SteveJobs!

And if you wish all it took to create great art is you becoming an asshole then come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar https://www.facebook.com/events/875860632494808/ because I’ll probably continue to be a nice and friendly dude…

My favorite arcade game ever...
My favorite arcade game ever…

 

 

Number 12: “A Clockwork Orange”

Everytime I watch any Stanley Kubrick film “2001”, “Dr. Strangelove”, “The Shining”, even “Eyes Wide Shut” I’m left with this incredible feeling of euphoria and awe.  He is that rare filmmaker that can make a film so engrossing and perfect that you forget you’re watching a film at all.  I can’t say I’ve experienced this feeling with any other filmmaker.

Narrowing him down to just one favorite film is really really hard.  I’d like to just say his entire lexicon (including “A.I.” WHAT?!) but if you’re twisting my arm I would have to say “A Clockwork Orange”.  Because this movie is AWESOME!  And for lack of a better word perfect.  Every shot is a perfectly set up work of art.  Kubrick was a professional photographer before he became a film director and it’s VERY apparent in his shot compositions.  They are ultra symmetrical and convey a story within themselves.

I love the world of this film and the main character is one of my all time faves.  I like to imagine that he grew up into “The Joker” with his honest charm and love of ultra violence, murder, rape.  He’s certainly no role model or something to strive for but definitely an interesting character.

When I was fourteen I saw my first Kubrick film “Eyes wide shut”.  I told my mom how much I enjoyed it’s masterful subtleties.  I was then informed that another of Kubrick’s films “A Clockwork Orange” was my grandfather’s favorite movie.  I immediately had to see it in an attempt to understand this great man.  I was completely confused by it but could feel the brilliance and power of Kubrick’s vision.  I knew this was a special film I just didn’t know why.

He passed about a year later and I never really got to discuss it with him but I’ll always have this deep connection with the film.

There are so many deep and interesting questions this film brings up in my mind.  Like “what do you do with a person who enjoys violence, rape, and murder so much?”  Is it justifiable to administer the treatment?  Would that even solve the problem or just turn him into a zombie?

It really seems like Alex’s issues are more systemic than personal.  His father is too busy with work and his mother appears heavily medicated.  Perhaps better more supportive parents could reduce his blood lust and Joker like habits.

And if you are trying to reduce your Joker like habits than come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar ‪#‎Chicago‬https://www.facebook.com/events/875860632494808/ because the Joker is gonna be there (he will not be there)!

Number 13: “Citizen Kane”

This may appear to be my “Look how smart I am” addition to the list.  I did initially see this film BECAUSE it’s supposedly the greatest/most important film of all time but that’s not why I loved it.  There are plenty of movies I saw because they are great but didn’t necessarily enjoy them.  I saw “The Godfather” and didn’t lose my mind.  I’m absolutely certain of it’s brilliance but it just didn’t connect with me.

“Citizen Kane” on the other hand connected, hook line and sinker.  As a boy growing up you have this odd thought that only modern actors/directors/writers can really make you feel anything or possess any sort of gravitas or bring any weight to a performance.  Watching Orson Welles chew the scenery as the most interesting and broken man in the world (at the time) was so pleasurable I could shriek.  And he also wrote/directed/produced it AGAINST the world’s most powerful man’s almighty force is equally triumphant.

Watching this for five minutes you forget that it was made seventy years ago.  Because frankly not that much has significantly changed since then.  We still have emotional problems, we still don’t know how to make relationships work, and we still have problems that no amount of technology or money can or will ever fix.

And this movie is just fucking brilliant.  The camera angles, the story, the characters, the structure.  It’s just a fucking blast to behold and as described by my good buddy Michael “it’s just a lot of fun.”  I could not agree with him more.

citizen kane
My favorite show loves this damn movie!

What a presence Orson Welles is in this film and every film he’s in for that matter.  I recently had the good fortune of discovering “The Third Man” which is one of my favorite Film Noirs of all time.  He doesn’t show up until about an hour into the film but his hilarious and powerful presence is felt throughout.  And when he dies at the end, even despite of his severe despicableness you’re still left wanting him on screen.  You want to see that smiling mug of his and enjoy his energy and presence.  It was watching this movie, that withholds and then grabs away his magic energy that really drives the point home that he was something special.

So in a way Orson Welles with his incredible ability to DO EVERYTHING in the world of filmmaking would easily be my be all end all.  And if I was alive in that time and still possessed this incredible desire to become a filmmaker he would have been my number one.

If you think not a thing has changed since 1941 then come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychedelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar ‪#‎Chicago‬https://www.facebook.com/events/875860632494808/ because you’re right!

Citizen Kane
This quote sums up my life philosophy pretty handily.

Number 14: “Interstellar”

This should really be Number 14: “Interstellar/Inception/Memento/The Prestige” because all of those movies are one: AMAZING! And two: share one major thing in common.  They were all directed by Christopher Nolan who is handily my favorite director of all time.

But I have to choose one and I personally feel “Interstellar” is his best work (and it’s the newest).  It’s just freaking awesome!  The practical special effects and the crazy big space travel ideas are enough to make even my sober mind explode.  Wormholes, supermassive black holes, the event horizon, time travel, gravity, and super intelligent aliens from the future.  Sold!

And then you star it with my main man Matthew McConaughey.  Come on now.  How am I not going to love this movie?

There is something about a Christopher Nolan movie that just connects, hits all the right buttons, and all the right feels.  It feels real and you can tell every cent of that massive budget was spent on things that go directly to blowing up my serotonin receptors.

I love this damn movie and I also love Inception, Memento and The Prestige.  These are great films.  I just want to be Christopher Nolan!  He started with nothing and made a movie called “The Following” over the course of a year and a half.  It’s a film noir that he made for an extremely low budget with some friends of his.

Then he did “Memento” which was really my first exposure to Christopher Nolan.  What an amazing cinematic experience that was.  A supremely well executed film noir played in backwards order and tied together by a man with short term memory loss.  I recall seeing this film and having my damn mind blown out the back of my head.  It was so well done and the backwards order added such a unique and terrifying angle.

It was around this time that I realized my love for Film Noir.  I’m not going to say the film I watched after this because it’s higher up on the list but this film was positively instrumental in my growth as a cinema lover.  I finally realized the world is not black or white but shades of grey.  And film noir perfectly represented that concept with their anti-hero’s and bad guys who you weren’t sure were completely bad or even deserved their gruesome endings.

Then to top it off he made “The Prestige” which is an unbelievably underrated film about two men obsessed with topping each other.  It’s essentially about magic but it’s really about what people will do in order to win.  It also has Tesla played by David Bowie.  A better casting choice has never been made.

“Inception” is an incredible film noir heist flick played across several layers of our unconscious sleeping mind.  It is an absolute masterpiece.  Everytime I watch it I think “Why haven’t I watched this lately”.  It’s so good!

But back to the title film at hand.  “Interstellar” was great!  It had my boy Matt McConaughey crushing it with the emotion and the leadership.  How he came from “How to lose a guy in ten days” to this is beyond me.  I remember when “Family Guy” did a bit on him saying how everything he has been in save “Dazed and Confused” has been terrible.  That was like 2007 that that clip came out and then BAM he was an untouchable God.  He did “Mud”, “Wolf of Wall St”, “Dallas Buyers Club”, “True Detective” (favorite show ever? Yes), and “Interstellar”.  That is one HELL of a run!  It’s so good I’m not sure any movie that he did before or after could tarnish him in anyway…

And if you loved “Failure To Launch” then you’ll love the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir Screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar  ‬https://www.facebook.com/events/875860632494808/

Number 15: “The Social Network”

“The Social Network” coming in at Number 15 may surprise some people.  But anyone that knows me would not be surprised atol.

Throughout my life I have been significantly impacted by a great number of films.  Some artistically, some politically, and others philosophically.  I have come to understand there is something about storytelling that is very engaging and good at keeping my attention.  Something about setting up interesting character/s, in challenging situations and witnessing the outcome is so compelling I can hardly wait till the end and must binge watch thirteen episodes straight.  I’m looking at you “House of Cards” Season two.

But back to the movie.  This movie is insanely well done, a super cool compelling story that quite literally launched me into the world of entrepreneurship.  After I saw a bunch of “idiot” Harvard kids create a website that then made them into billionaires in a matter of months I knew I needed to throw my hat in the ring.  I didn’t quite understand the world of startups but it had this really exciting and adventurous vibe to it.  Something my accounting position for the government just didn’t contain.

I had recently read “The Four Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferriss as well and couldn’t have been bursting from the seems more to do something in this vein.  The way I saw it I was going to work my ass off either at a job or doing my own thing; might as well gain the maximum benefit from my efforts.

So after reading “The Four Hour Work Week” and seeing “The Social Network” I decided to move to Chicago and see what trouble I could hustle up.  Would I create the next great social network?  Probably not.  Would I have a shit load of fun and meet a ton of interesting people while doing what felt right in my core?  God yes.

I got to Chicago with $1,000 in my pocket.  I slept on my friends floor for about six weeks while slowly deciding where I would make my mark.  I did odd jobs on Craigslist until I noticed a trend.  I was above average at writing and enjoyed it as well.  One client in particular really liked how I ran their social media channels.  It was then I realized you didn’t need any products or money to start a social media marketing company.  Not even a website really.  You just needed people to pay you to do the job.

I was so sure of this I even convinced my best friend who was between jobs to join with me on the adventure.  And three plus years later I’m still at it.  Boy what an adventure it has been and continues to be.

But back to the film.  I love David Fincher’s style.  Everything is so dark and brooding.  You can barely see anyone’s eyes in his films.  Not to mention this movie is tight as a drum.  Typical Aaron Sorkin writing.

The fact that it lost the best picture race to “The King’s Speech” makes me dark and brooding with rage.  What will have a more lasting impact on our culture and art: a movie about a king from eighty years ago who gave a speech or a film about the catalyst for the biggest shift in our worldwide culture since the printing press?  If you’re a member of the academy you’d choose the former.  But being someone who was DIRECTLY INFLUENCED TO TAKE ACTION by this film I would choose the ladder.  You decide.

If you think “The King’s Speech” is the most important film to come out since WW2 then come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychedelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar because we’ll be starting WW3!

Number 16: “X-Men”

Having grown up a massively massive comic book fan I was overwhelmingly overwhelmed to find out they were launching a live action, super legit version of The X-men.  Who were basically my favorite group of super heroes of all time.

From the time I was about six to oh around fourteen I legitimately thought, and hoped, that I would get special mutant powers.  From watching the shows and reading* the comics I learned that once you hit puberty that’s when your special powers began to show.  I was super stoked and would always dream what my powers would be.  Would I have claws and super healing power like Wolverine or shoot webs like Spiderman or just have wicked sweet and wise mind powers like Professor X.  In any case I knew my super angst filled life would be worth it as long as I got those sweet sweet powers.

Well I waited and waited and waited and waited and nothing ever came.  Though I did get some pretty sweet acne and an intense desire for members of the opposite sex so strongly that I couldn’t relax if there was one in the tri-state area.  So that’s kind of a special power.  Though not nearly the one I was hoping for.

So I didn’t get powers at fourteen but I did get the coolest, most legitimate, entertaining and accurate comic book movie I had ever seen in my long fourteen years. HOLY SHAT! I was excited.  Wolverine was literally Wolverine.  They built a comic book machine, went inside and kidnapped Wolverine to star in this movie.  Dude is legit! And carved out of ‘pissed off’ granite.

And the universe they were in was super legit, dark, and straight up real!  Mystique, who I’d never been a huge fan of, was the hottest woman on earth, Rebecca Romijn, wearing nothing but a thick smattering of blue paint.  And the film had wicked relevant social commentary about the race and sex issues in America.

The opening shot with a young Magneto being separated from his family to be forced into a Nazi concentration camp was so real and powerful it moved me to tears.  Which was difficult because I was a hard fourteen year old for sure.  I hardly let my Mom cut my meat anymore thank you.

The only issue I had with this film was Rogue, who was my goddess above all goddesses, with her perfectly proportioned impossible body, was played by this young, kind of regular looking girl.  WTF are you doing? Rogue is the hottest woman on the planet and she talks with a wicked sexy southern drawl.  She’s the ultimate beauty with a heart of gold and fists of depleted uranium.  She can simultaneously steal your heart and your life force with a single touch.  The ultimate off limits beauty; not because her dad or husband will get you but because her power will pull it from you until you die.  And she’s played by this young moody and normal looking chick.  Could not dig that unfortunately.

But they made it work.  And the combination of all my other favorite characters like Cyclops, Storm, Magneto, Sabretooth, and such, the film was so high in my ‘book of awesome’ that not even a frumpy Rogue could bring it down.

And if YOU get mad when your fantasy of all fantasies are played by normal looking ladies (or Men!) than come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar ‪#‎Chicago‬https://www.facebook.com/events/875860632494808/ because the real and super hot version of Rogue will be there (she won’t be there).

*The reason I say “Reading” is as a boy I never had the attention span to really read many comic books.  I don’t know if it was ADD or anxiety but they were way more fun for me to collect and store away.  So when I say “Read” I really mean look at the perty pictures and read a few of the words.  It wouldn’t be until years later that I finally discovered the amazing and complex stories, character developments, and wondrous nature of these fine stories.

Number 17: “Jurassic Park”

Oh man what a flick! I honestly can’t tell you a movie I was ever more excited to see than Jurassic Park. HOLE EEEE SHIT! I was excited to see this film.  I was what eight years old when it came out?

Steven Spielberg said he wouldn’t let his kids see this film.  That made my ultra violence loving behind want to see it even more.  It confirmed my suspicions that dudes got straight up eaten in this movie. OMG was I excited.

Then I heard they were going to have a midnight showing on the Thursday before it opened.  I begged and pleaded for my Mom to take me.  I must have offered my very soul to her and she amazingly, and possibly for the first time in my life, said “no.”  I was stunned.  I was always able to “negotiate” for that extra toy or video game or even to stay home from school but now this relatively simple request of taking an eight year old to see an ultra violent PG-13 dinosaur movie at midnight on a school night was denied.  I was livid and would see to it that I was the one who got what was rightfully mine!

After exhausting my eight year old brain I came up with nothing.  My dad DEFINITELY wasn’t going to take me and my brother was 5 and an idiot.  So I asked my Mom what she recommended.  “Well you could call and ask your friends and family.”  EUREKA!

So that’s what I did.  I called every person whose number we had and asked if they would like to accompany me to the world premiere of Jurassic Park.  Now I thought my enthusiasm for this great film would carry me through and well past the finish line.  But would you believe it?  Not one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, teachers, friends, mailmen, milkmen, grandparents, strangers, creepers with white vans, not one would agree to take an underage kid to see an ultra violent dinosaur movie at midnight on a school night. The NERVE!

So I did what any overprivileged young chap would do.  I sulked and bitched and wined and moaned until I eventually fell asleep.  I of course still had to go to school the next day and suffer while so many lucky fools we’re watching this amazing film.  It felt like the night before Christmas times the day before summer starts.

But after six miserably long hours that final school bell rang and I was off to the races.  My mom picked me up from school and we went right to the theater and saw the HELL out of that movie.

It was amazing!  Now normally as an eight year old, you see an ad for a toy, video game, movie, whatever and it looks AMAZING!  And then you get it, open the box and it’s just a fucking toy.  But this movie BO MY GOD!  It was better than my wildest eight year old fever dreams could have ever imagined.   It had the T-rex in full nineties CG end of the world screaming glory.  The wicked smart velociraptors (which if I may say is the COOLEST NAME FOR A SOULLESS KILLING MACHINE OF ALL TIME!).  And this crazy island filled with other dinosaurs and unsuspecting visitors.  IT WAS AMAZING!!

And as we we’re walking out we ran into my cousin Timmy (the only person I could not get a hold of in my desperate attempt to hitch a ride to the midnight show).  He was also walking out of the theatre.  My Mom said “Yo Tim! Wha’d ya think of the movie?”  To which he replied “Oh man it was even better the second time!” Oh so he must have seen an earlier show that day or something I thought.  “Oh yeah I saw the midnight showing last night.  Craziest movie of my life! I’ll never have an experience like that again!”

My blood began to boil and I imagined savaging him like my spirit animal the velociraptor.  But alas I calmed myself as my Mom informed him of my desperate search for a ride.  He laughed and said “oh sorry little buddy but I didn’t check my messages before we went.”

Just breath I thought.  Someday you’ll own a flock of Velociraptors and you can enact terrible vengeance (Just like in Jurassic World!). As we parted ways I made peace with the fact that I had just witnessed the greatest cinematic event of my eight years and likely the rest of my days.  I then proceeded to see the movie nine more times in theaters and countless times on vhs.  It was truly an amazing film.

And if you love dinosaurs so much you’d sit through a staged screenplay reading come on down to the Staged Reading of my Psychadelic Cyberpunk Film Noir screenplay “Mum Knows Best” on Sunday August 9th from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm at the Annoyance Theatre & Bar ‪#‎Chicago‬https://www.facebook.com/events/875860632494808/ because we’ll have a live dinosaur in the studio audience! (We will not have any dinosaurs in the studio audience).

Number 18: “Friday The 13th”

I was absolutely obsessed with these films growing up.  There was something about the hockey mask on a deranged sociopathic killer that got my ten year old self more excited than a bear pooping in the woods.  Maybe it was the copious amounts of nudity. Maybe it was the intense blood and gore.  Maybe it was simply the crazy iconic mask of Jason that just got me excited.  In any case I loved these movies!

Funny enough I can’t really say I love them anymore.  I would never sit down and watch one.  For one they are fucking terrible.  For two they are incredibly outdated.  For three violence ain’t really my thang no more and for four, my brain has been “Clockwork Orange”-d to the point where this nudity doesn’t even cause a blip on the meter; LOL or :(? You decide!

But as a ten year old without a lot of cinematic experience, judgement or merit I FUCKING LOVED THESE MOVIES!  They we’re so violent and scary.  I would watch them in the dark by myself or with some friends and just scare myself to near insanity.  After each viewing I had to turn every light on in the house and sleep that way.  It was like voluntary torture that I really enjoyed.

Not sure what I really saw or got from this but man did I enjoy it.

I think the first Jason I was exposed to was like number 3 or 4.
It starts with this dude chainsawing a tree and there’s this really nerdy and annoying guy talking.  The dude with the chainsaw simply can’t take his nerdy ass anymore.  So in front of this attractive girl he attacks the guy with the chainsaw killing the fuck out of him.

Watching this as an eight year old I was like “oh shit! Jason hasn’t even shown up yet.  This movie is ca-RAY-Z.”  Then Jason shows up and he’s this fucking huge dude who appears to be rotting.  He’s like a zombie only he has a hockey mask on and a wicked huge rusty machete.  But even scarier than that is the absolutely bat shit crazy look in his eyes.

I don’t even remember entire movies I just remember scenes.  In “Jason In New York” the boxer dude hangs with Jason for a while.  He boxes him and nearly knocks him off the side of a pier.  Then Jason is like “enough play time” and with one punch knocks the dude’s head clean off.

Then his friends run into a diner and say “there’s a deranged serial killer after us who just punched our friends head clean off.” To which the unimpressed waitress replies “welcome to New York…”

For some reason this response made me want to go to New York even more.  I was already dying to move there and live in a super sweet abandoned subway station with my roommates the Ninja Turtles.

I have a faint recollection of watching this with my buddy Brandon.  Not sure he was as into Jason as I was but he was sure as shit as scared as I was.

In class I used to draw his mask.  I was fucking obsessed!  Now that I think about it I was showing some fairly strong signs of being a serial killer…

And if your 18th favorite movie of all time is also a movie you would never watch again and you realize now you almost became a serial killer then come on down to the staged reading of my screenplay “Mum Knows Best” at The Annoyance Theater 851 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL on Sunday Aug 9, 2015 from 5:30 PM to 7 PM because we’ll be safe!

Number 19: “Toy Story 3”

Why “Toy Story 3”? Why not just Toy Story?”  You may ask. These are very legitimate questions and my only answer is “HOLY SHIT TOY STORY 3 IS AMAZING!”

Now I’ve heard of sequels being better than originals (Terminator 2, Aliens) but the third?  NEVER!  Not Star Wars, Dark Knight, well maybe Lord of The Rings (but fuck those movies bore me), not nothing.

Just “Toy Story 3”.  It seemingly stands alone atop that glorious mountain.

Sometimes I don’t truly understand how much I love something until someone tells me how much they love it.  Bo Burnham, one of my favorite stand up comedians/performers had a throw away line where he said “I cried for like 3 hours after Toy Story 3.”   He didn’t cry for three hours after TS1 or TS2.  He cried for three hours after “Toy Story 3”.  And do you know why he cried for three hours?

Because this movie connects us with the most powerful, painful, deep seated pain of our fucking lives…  Moving away from our parents and siblings.  Is there anything more painful or sad than doing that? NO, there fucking isn’t!

And it dwells on this subject for like the last fifteen minutes of the movie.  If you possess even a semblance of a soul, buckets of tears explode out of you.  To call it an ugly cry would be the understatement of the century.  I can’t even think about it much less watch it.

Makes me think of being a little kid and thinking how i’d always be this age, my parents would always be on the other side of the house, my little brother would always be little and things would stay relatively the same/awesome forever.  But they don’t. They change fast as fuck and the speed with which the change changes goes fast as fuck.

To be confronted with no protective distracting walls, just full frontal “hey this is how you truly feel and you can never be a kid and your parents can never be young parents again” is one of the hardest things to swallow in life.

And gosh dang “Toy Story 3” nails that point home like only the top echelon of Pixar movies can.  It’s so good!

And I can’t end a TS3 review without mentioning the fact that right before this “ugly cry” scene they have all of the characters on a conveyor belt about to be dropped into an incinerator.  The characters look each other deep in the eye to say how much they meant to each other and then say goodbye.  WHAT? Before our very eyes you are going to KILL our favorite characters of all time! And not just kill but horribly burn and scold to death?! Are you mad sir?!

I legitimately thought they we’re going to kill them all.  But fortunately the Deus Ex Machina swung in and saved the day.

If you love thinking about times gone by that you can never have back and slowly become more depressed and sad until you can barely move then come on down to the staged reading of my screenplay “Mum Knows Best” at The Annoyance Theater 851 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL on Sunday Aug 9, 2015 from 5:30 PM to 7 PM because we’ll definitely cheer you up!

Number 20: “D2: The Mighty Ducks”

Ok first of all this movie fucking rules!  Can’t tell you how many times Mike Perenich, age ten to twenty four, whilst sleeping over, would pop this vhs into the VCR and we’d watch it AGAIN!  Oh my god it was awesome!

When I was in fourth grade, after seeing this film, I decided I would play hockey.  Living in Florida this was a bigger challenge than anticipated.  Luckily Hooters of all places was having a hockey expo complete with all the gear you’d ever need and could try out for FREE!  And chicken wings.

Thanks to my dad’s forced (though super fun) endless roller blading trips I was quite damn good at Roller Blading.  Or blading as the cool kids called it.

I show up and there’s a bunch of equipment so I start messing around shooting and playing some other kids who are way freaking better than me.  But I don’t get discouraged.  I keep messing around with different stick combinations until I find this one stick that is like the mackdaddy of sticks.  I mean I am as fast as that spanish kid, can maneuver it like the transfer kid from Team Iceland, and can shoot a knuckle puck like Kenan Thompson.  I am in love with the stick, this sport, and chicken wings.

I play until I can’t roller blade anymore.  And then as I’m going to ask the strange man putting on the expo if I can purchase this stick for any amount of money an older kid comes up, grabs me and says “oh that’s where my stick went!”.  And then he grabs my beloved stick out of my puny fourth grade hands and walks off with it.

I’m speechless and heavily distraught.  But I vow to find a similar stick and play until I am the best to have ever played.

I started playing in a league at the Astro Skate roller rink.  They actually had pretty serious teams.  I was absolutely positively terrible… At first.  And then I kinda started to get the freaking hang of it.  I went from the dude who couldn’t hold onto the ball (roller hockey 😉 to one of the bash brothers in about a season.

I was probably four foot something and had played more video games than a village of asian kids so I was coordinated as fuck. After a few months of playing I was the best on my team.  After six months of playing I was the best in the league.  And in fifth grade I won MVP of the league with, count em, thirty one goals in a single ten game season.  That’s over 3.1 goals per game there cap-ee-tan.  Not too shabby for a fifth grader.

Side story: We used to play in the neighborhood.  It started as like 5-10 kids playing and then once we realized who could play and who couldn’t it became me versus 9 kids.  We would play all day and all night.  And if memory serves I never lost a game.  Take that Jon, Jamie, and all those other kids whose names I’ll never remember!

With these remarkable skills in hand I had amazing plans to play through middle school, high school, college, the pros, and then sit in a hot tub with my soul mate.  BUT unfortunately I had a massively awkward growth spurt both physically and mentally to the point where I was no longer coordinated what so ever.   I knew where I wanted my arms and legs to go but they just wouldn’t.  Top this off with an insanely increasing interest in girls and equally large increase in anxiety and my dreams of hockey glory had all but come to an end.

I enjoyed my days playing hockey immensely and still love the fuck out of this movie.

If you start every team chant with a slowly rising “Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack!” than come on down to the staged reading of my screenplay “Mum Knows Best” at The Annoyance Theater 851 W Belmont Ave, Chicago, IL on Sunday Aug 9, 2015 from 5:30 PM to 7 PM.